Helping Your Child Stay Optimistic in the Face of... Email 1 Subject: Helping Your Child Stay Optimistic in the Face of Illness Dear [Name], Everyone goes through issues in life. Every single day is not rosy. Sometimes you have times in life where people get sick. Sometimes it can be something you’ll get over in a few days, and other times it’s much more serious. Sometimes it’s you who are sick, and sometimes it’s someone you love and care about. However, even deadly illness need not get in the way of living a happy life if you can turn negative thoughts into better thoughts and act on that instead of the negativity that first comes up. That’s the thing; the thoughts and actions don’t have to be uber positive to work. They simply need not be negative. For example, if you are a mom who needs to get chemo due to breast cancer, you may be wondering how much information you can share with your child before you go through with the procedures. You may also wonder if you should even tell them. However, the truth is, shielding your child isn’t going to make them more optimistic. Imagine the trauma of not being told something so serious as your mommy has cancer or is sick and needs treatment and thinking everything is fine, and then your parent is acting sick, tired, and maybe even dies? When it comes to illness, it’s much better to be prepared than to be surprised. Being realistic will help protect your child in ways that you may not even realize. First, you can sit down with your child and explain what is happening in words that they understand based on their age, while also demonstrating your ability to be optimistic about what is happening and why. "Mommy has a sickness called breast cancer. It is making mommy very sick, but she has a doctor who can help her get better. To get better mommy needs to take this medicine that makes her need to rest a lot. You may see mommy throw up or act very sick for a while. You can help mommy rest by reading your homework to her each afternoon when you get home and setting the table before dinner." Do whatever is appropriate for the age group. Being more specific about the timeline of the medicine can also help. Even putting it on a family calendar so that you can all mark down the days until the treatment is over can help by focusing on the cure and the end instead of what is happening right now with the illness. Meanwhile, as much as possible demonstrate your own optimism by focusing on the positive experiences you are having in relation to getting treatment. It may seem complicated, but study after study shows that attitude plays into the success of treatment. Next time, we'll look at how to help your child cope when they have a disability. Email 2 Subject: Helping Your Child Deal Optimistically with Disability Dear [Name], Have you ever read a story about a child who just seems to have an old soul? They seem to understand more about life than you do. Often that is a child with a disability. They are dealt a more difficult hand, but they usually rise to it with passion and power to overcome many roadblocks. Encouraging optimism will help your child in a huge way when they need to deal with some form of disability. It can be a small disability or a big one, and it can be visible or invisible. Whatever the case, you can help them deal with it - hopefully through your own example. Talk More about What Can Be Done Instead of talking about what can’t be done, talk about what can be done. Everyone must make some form of modification to their daily lives to accomplish what they want to. A disabled child is no different, even if their modification is more significant. When You Discuss the Disability Use Positive Words and Tone Try not to talk about the disability in a negative way in front of your child. Even though you’re sad that your child must suffer something others don’t have to, focusing on that suffering isn’t going to help them. Speak clearly, honestly, and directly but leave out the emotions of despair as much as you can. Remember, neutral can feel optimistic in many situations. Point Out Your Child’s Special Superpowers A child with a disability also likely has some abilities that other children don’t have. For example, if your child has an electric wheelchair, chances are a bunch of kids would love to see how it all works. Talk about to your child how cool their wheelchair is and talk about it as a positive thing and not a negative one, because it helps them get around fast. The real point here is that you don’t have to be super-positive to be optimistic. You can also be realistic, factual, and use neutral words that aren’t negative or positive to generate optimistic thinking surrounding even the worst disability that your child or someone they love has. Next time, find out how to help a child be more optimistic when dealing with stress. Email 3 Subject: Helping a child deal with stress optimistically Dear [Name], There is both good stress and bad stress that everyone, including children, deals with every single day of their lives. Most of the stress your child and you have in your life is likely positive, but everyone has stress. It’s a normal part of life and some people would suggest that without stress, no one would accomplish anything. Be the Example When it comes to stress, you have opportunities daily to teach your child how to deal with it in an optimistic way. Show your child that when things don’t go right, you control your own attitude and plow right through and get things done anyway. Ask Leading Questions When you talk to your child, it can help to lead them to discuss positive attributes of something by how you frame the question. "I love you. I missed you while you were at school. Tell me the best thing that happened to you all day!" Acknowledge That Kids Have Stress Too One of the biggest mistakes that parents make is assuming that a child doesn’t feel things as strongly as an adult does. In fact, they often feeling things more deeply than adults because they don’t have practice putting their feelings in perspective. They don’t yet know that the mind controls feelings more than whatever is happening. Bring Family Dinner Time Back Eating dinner together at the table each day (or as often as possible) is one of the best ways to encourage family conversation and reduce stress. Just one hour each night focused only on the family and eating dinner results in parents feeling less stressed, and it even cuts suicide rates. Finally, remember to purposefully teach your child tools that help them deal with stress, such as deep breathing, grounding techniques, and positive affirmations. Dealing with exam failure is another area where attitude makes a big difference. We'll look at that next time. Email 4 Subject: Helping your child be more optimistic despite poor grades Dear [Name], Some children fly through school, getting straight A’s as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. Other children struggle. They fail exams, they get lower grades, and they simply struggle more in an educational environment than others. One way to help your child through it is to put it all in perspective in terms of a lifetime. Tell Them Your Stories You probably have not done well on every single test through your educational journey. Share that with your child. It might seem like it’s silly but although you’ve known your child all their life, you may forget that your child only knows you as the parent, not as the child you once were. Tell them your stories, mistakes, awkwardness, and all. Give Them Examples of "Dropouts" That Are Successful This may be overkill, but it depends on how poorly your child is doing and whether you can really help them do better or not. Each child is different, but many people have gone on to be very successful even if they were not that good in school. Albert Einstein comes to mind. Show Them How They Can Do Better Assuming you’ve not got here yet, go ahead and find a tutor for anything your child is having a hard time in or doing less than their ability. Hiring a tutor is something wealthy parents never think twice about, but something other people often think is out of reach. But you can find volunteers at local colleges and universities, so don’t give up. Focus More on Effort When you are talking to your child about their grades, don’t focus so much on the grade but rather on the effort made. If your child put in all the effort and still did not do well, that can be a little harder to deal with than if they did not put in the effort and can easily improve. You can usually find something that can be done differently that enables you to focus on actions rather than the past. The words you use can help frame the tone of the conversation surrounding the actions that can realistically be taken to improve, and then doing the steps to make the advancements. Next time, learn some tips on how to help your child when dealing with a friend breakup. Email 5 Subject: How to help your child through a friend breakup Dear [Name], As you know, people will come and go from your life if you’re lucky enough to be around a long time. This is just part of life. Some people leave your life due to moves, some due to illness, and yet others due to disagreements or other problems with the relationship. Friends are no different. It happens. But when it does, it hurts. You can teach your child to deal with this by focusing on what can be learned. Listen to Your Child Let your child tell the entire story of what happened before you interject anything. Listen while you guide them through the whole story. Help them share their ideas and feelings clearly without judgment. Acknowledge Their Feelings When your child tells you their feelings, it’s important to actively acknowledge them. Don’t put words in their mouth, though. If they say they are mad, agree with them. If they say they are sad, agree with them. Then you can suggest ways to deal with these feelings in a positive way. Let Them Have Time to Adjust Don’t bombard your sad child with positivity the moment you’re informed that they have lost or broken up with a friend. Instead, listen to them and hold them if that is appropriate for your child. Just let them have time to adjust to what is happening. Reframe Negative Words and Patterns The very best thing you can do for your child is to let them experience the ups and downs of life, without allowing the downs to overtake their entire existence. You can gently guide them with more positive or neutral words to use as they explain how they feel or how they see the world, while giving them suggestions on what they can do next time something happens. Show them how to deal with the emotions they are currently feeing surrounding the loss of a friend. The main thing is to give them time because most of the time, the friendship will be repaired. It’s very rare that it won’t be in a young child’s life. They tend to fight and break up a lot over the course of their lives as they mature. Just be a supporting and guiding hand, as well as an example as you deal with your own life and friendship groups. Next time, we'll look at how to help your child when a relationship breaks up. Email 6 Subject: Helping your child deal with relationship breakups positively Dear [Name], As your child ages, they’re going to have more serious relationships, including possibly falling in love for the first or even many times before they graduate high school. Sometimes the breakups and drama can be overwhelming for parents, partly because it’s hard to remember having been there so long ago. If your child is dealing with a relationship breakup, you can help them get through it with optimism. Validate Their Emotions First, because these emotions are so new to kids without experience, the emotions can seem over the top. However, it’s best to validate their emotions rather than downplay them as if it’s not essential or "just a crush," because it does not feel that way to them right now. It feels like the end of the world. Support Positive Choices If your child is breaking up due to a reason and making a positive choice to break up (due to divided loyalties or different values and other good reasons), support them in that choice. Express your pride in their hard choice and how good it’s going to be for them to be this smart as they grow. Listen Don’t Lecture Even if things went on in the relationship that you did not like, you don’t want to lecture your child. When they’re old enough to feel love and passion, they’re old enough to have their own relationships without you lecturing them about how much better off they are without that person for whatever reason. They just want to feel sad right now, and that’s okay if it’s not drawn out. Provide Needed Distraction One way to help them get through it is to do something with them alone, just you and your child. It really doesn’t matter how old they are, going out for ice cream or a movie and fun is a great way to feel good about life and shows them without even saying one word that life goes on. Ensure They’re Sticking to Their Routines One way to ensure that they’re acting in an optimistic way is their ability to stick to their regular routines after a breakup. A sign of a problem is missing school, sleeping too much, crying all the time and that kind of thing. If this is a problem, you may want to seek outside help and counseling to help your child get through the breakup. Remember, avoid talking badly about the person involved in the relationship. Even if they did something horrible, you can acknowledge that while not fixating on it. After all, people can only control their own actions, so placing focus on the reasons for the breakup won’t help. Focusing on learning from it and moving on healthily is the best way to get through it. Next time, we'll talk about how to help your child through divorce. Email 7 Subject: Helping your child through divorce Dear [Name], Divorce, even while common, still affects children in alarming ways. Children who have experienced divorce tend to be less trusting and optimistic throughout their lives than their counterparts according to stats. However, you can help your child remain optimistic if you set the tone. Only Say Good Things about the Other Parent It’s not enough to avoid talking bad about the other parent. Make sure you still say good things about them too. For example, referring to your ex-husband as a "good dad" will go very far in the mind of your child when they hear it. Your child does not need to know the dirty details of your divorce. They only need to know that you aren’t going to be married anymore or live together anymore because of incompatibility and nothing else. Let them know you are so happy you got together to have kids and that you’ll both always love them. Tell Your Child(ren) Together When you do tell your child about the divorce, if possible, ensure both parents are there. Plan out what you are going to tell them so you’re on the same page. Kids will have tons of questions in an open environment like that, so be ready to provide positive answers. Allow Your Child to Express Their Feelings At first, your child is going to be upset - even if you are still approaching it with positivity. Let them feel what they feel. It’s okay even if it hurts you. If they use negative language with pessimistic tone, make sure you gently correct that so they can see that you are both happy with your choice. Make Sure They Know It Has Nothing to Do with Them You must tell them many times, maybe repeatedly – that it has nothing to do with them and is not their fault. Kids always internalize things, and if your child believes they have any power over it, they may try to do things to bring you together such as misbehave to get you parenting together. Stop the Fighting in Front of Your Child Now that you’ve made the choice, it’s time to stop fighting in front of your child. Even if fighting before was an excellent opportunity to show proper fighting technique without getting dirty, that is now over. You cannot fight at all in front of the child, and if you cannot do that you need to find a third party to help mediate. Look Forward to Both Your Time and Their Time with Your Child One thing that is hard for some kids depending on their age is switching time off with one parent to the other. Whatever your arrangement is, don’t be sad when your child goes to their other parent and be happy when they are with you too. They will feel it if you’re worried about it. Keep the Routine the Same When Possible This is not always possible, especially if one parent was a stay-at-home parent before the divorce. Whatever your situation, trying to keep routines similar and thoroughly discussing each thing that is going to change openly with positive tones, will help them get through it. Kids are a lot more resilient than people think. One reason the stats about children in a marriage versus a divorce suggest that kids in a marriage are happier has more to do with the happiness of the marriage, because it turns out that kids from a happy divorce turn out just fine too. Next time, we'll give some tips on how to help your child deal with a bully in a positive way. Email 8 Subject: Helping your child deal with a bully optimistically Dear [Name], While you cannot always be with your child, one thing to note is that the ability to think positively (optimistically) can help a child deal with bullies emotionally. For example, most positive thinking tends toward solution-focused action steps on getting through whatever the problem is. The things to remember and stress with your child are: It’s Not Their Fault When someone is bullied and they aren’t good with optimism yet, they may start thinking it’s all their fault. They may use phrases like, "I’m stupid" or, "I’m ugly," and that is hard for a parent to hear. When you do hear that, it’s essential to explain the concept of choice to your child. No matter what else is happening in life, we all have choices about how to react. We can respond with bitterness and allow our entire lives to be affected by the decisions of others instead of our own choices, or we can set up a plan to move forward that stops the bully and allows the child to live their life. The Sad Life of the Bully In some cases, a bully is a bully due to their own pessimistic view of the world and the life they happen to be living. Sometimes it’s just due to an example they are following and sometimes it’s something more serious. But the main thing to realize and to pass on to your child is that they have no control over the bully’s life or actions. However, they can feel bad for the bully, while also telling on the bully and making it clear that they want the bully to stop. Focus on Choices They Can Control No one can make choices for anyone else. Because of that, it’s imperative that your child realizes that they are only responsible for their reactions to the bully - not the behavior of the bully. Even if they learn communication skills that can help muffle the bully, it’s not their responsibility to do that for the bully but for themselves so that they can mitigate the effects better. Always understand that what children are experiencing, while we know some of it, will be a distant memory for us adults. But at the time it’s happening, it’s very important and serious for them. They feel the same feelings you feel, and due to that it can be overpowering for them at times. They need your calm presence to help them develop a good plan to talk to the teacher, the principal or the other parent about the child who is bullying them so that it will stop, while also realizing that there is no reason to take the bully to heart and let it affect their self-image. Next time, we'll look at how to deal with getting a new sibling in a positive and optimistic way. Email 9 Subject: Helping Your Child Accept a New Sibling Dear [Name], Bringing a new baby into your family is an exciting time. Many children react with excitement and happiness at the thought of a new sibling. However, sometimes they’re not that excited. No matter their initial reaction, though, your own optimism can go a long way to helping the child accept a new sibling. Either way it’s okay, because the love will overtake them once they are bonded. Tell Them with Excitement Depending on the age of the child, don’t tell them until it’s closer to the due date. The main reason is that there is no reason to tell young kids about a potential sibling until it’s closer because nine months is a very long time in the mind of a toddler, for example. When you tell them, pick a good time and make it a happy announcement. Make them excited by telling them, "I have something really wonderful to tell you later, it’s a big surprise, and you’re going to be so happy about it!" That sets them up to know that they’re supposed to be happy about a sibling. Point Out Siblings Take some time to point out siblings that you know in and outside of your family, especially if it’s a great story. Showing pictures of you playing with your siblings, spending time now as adults with your siblings, and modeling the positive relationships that siblings can have will go far in helping your child accept the new baby positively. Give Big Sibling Jobs Depending on the age of your older child, give them little jobs to do for you and the baby. For example, when the baby is here, a three or four-year-old can go get the wipes and diapers for you so that you can change the baby. They can also hold bottles, throw away trash, and kiss the baby. Acknowledge Their Feelings If despite your best efforts, the reaction to the announcement is not favorable, you can still acknowledge their feelings while encouraging feelings of happiness and optimism about the new baby. Make sure they know that no one can replace them and that your heart grows with more love and you can love an infinite number of children without losing space for them. Keep Your One-on-One Time This can be difficult in large families, but it’s so important. The thing is, it doesn’t have to be hours of alone time to count. 15 minutes at bedtime can go a long way to helping curb problems of jealousy and insecurity (which is where jealousy comes from). Actions matter more to kids than words, so demonstrate your promises by keeping your one-on-one time with your other kids. Finally, make sure you spend time educating your child about babies. You can start with telling them the story of their birth (or adoption). Start talking about how babies sleep and eat and that they cannot play at first, but as they get older, they’ll want to play and learn from the big sibling. In our last email, learn some tips on helping your child cope and stay positive about moving to a new house. Email 10 Subject: Helping your child when moving to a new house Dear [Name], Moving to a new house is usually a very exciting time for both kids and parents. However, as much stress as you might feel about the move, it’s that plus some for kids. Since kids don’t have experience to look back to see how well things turned out, sometimes they make up things that aren’t so positive about the move that causes them to miss out on joy. You can help your child cope optimistically when moving to a new house by being proactive about it. Prepare Them in Advance Don’t hide that you’re thinking about moving or looking for a new place. The more they know from the start, the better. You don’t want to just toss something like that on a child a week or two before moving. Instead, involve your child by sharing your excitement and enthusiasm about the coming change. Study the New Place Online If you’re moving to a different location entirely, it might help your child to find some good articles, pictures, and information about things to see and do in the new area. Everyone is a tourist someplace, so you might as well be one when you first move. Show them the area and let them pick some things they want to do when you go there. Let Them Decorate Their Room First When you do get to the new place, set your child's (or children's) room up before you set up the rest of the house. This will give them a safe place to be and do their things. Plus, it is fun to decorate a room, and it gives them some power over their situation in terms of how it looks. Involve Kids in Helping Move Depending on their ages, kids can help with moving too. For example, moving is always a good time to get rid of things you don’t use or wear anymore. But don’t force them to get rid of things they love. It’s not the right time, but you can frame it by telling them you need to make room for better stuff in the new house. Plan the Move to Avoid Exhaustion Don’t try to do things too fast for moving with kids. Give yourself time. Hire help if you can. Plan the move to avoid any exhaustion by not planning to do 10-hour days of packing. That type of stress is not good for anyone. Instead, you can do just a few things each day and get done without being exhausted, which is a good example for your child. Make a Moving Memory Book For young kids, a moving memory can be a very positive thing to do as well. Give your child their own camera to take some pictures of the things they are experiencing during the move so that they can document it with pictures and words in a moving diary. Acknowledge Their Feelings No matter how you approach it, they may feel differently, and that is okay. They don’t really have a choice in the matter, so now is the time to show them the difference between acting with purpose and reacting without thinking. Finally, try to keep your child’s schedule mostly the same as you go through with the move and after the move. Going to school, having the same after-school snacks, and doing the same things in the new place will help them overcome any type of culture shock from their move.